I'm sorry Hope, but I've already told you that I can't be doing this for you. I've got stuff of my own I need/want to work on. Along with stuff at school, and editing your stuff, I have no time to do mine.
I did read it, but I have no time to do the proper editing required. Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean to seem blunt either, but you really need some punctuation * .,!?* at the end of your character's speech or sentences.
I sometimes get confused by the emotions of the characters when I don't see a ., ?, or ! at the end of their phrases.
For example:
"Why haven't you done what I asked you"
-Doesn't make much sense of emotion, right?
Perhaps I could change the tone of the character by entering a ? and an !.
Questioning, curious: "Why haven't you done what I asked you?"
Angry, blunt: "Why haven't you done what I asked you?!"
See how the character's words actually have a bit more emotion to them? It makes it easier for the reader to know how they are feeling.
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Incorrect
Blaine jumped over a cover ran to the nearby Wraith ripped out the driver sat in the seat grabbed the controls started the engine and was on his way
This is also confusing to the reader. We need commas *,* in the sentence to make it easier for the readers.
Lets see the sentence now:
Slightly Correct
Blaine jumped over a cover, ran to the nearby Wraith, ripped out the driver, sat in the seat, grabbed the controls, started the engine, and was on his way
Problem is now we are missing even more vital rules of thumb for Fan Fiction writers. We need to end certain sentences and improve the flow.
Let's try that again:
Correct
Blaine jumped over cover, and ran to the nearby Wraith. Ripping out the driver, Blaine took his seat, grabbed the controls, and was on his way.
Notice how I stopped after Wraith, then proceeded with the next chunk in a separate Sentence. This allows the reader a short break, before continuing to the next part.
Also, less is more in most cases. It is nice to have good details, but people really don't need to know that a mouse crapped itself in the corner while Darryl was busy tying his shoe laces inside of his boot.
I'm not saying you do this, but I feel it's an important lesson to teach you, in case you MIGHT do so in the future.
Incorrect
Blaine drove past Darryl, who was busy tying his shoe laces inside of his Mjolnir suit. Blaine laughed hysterically, watching a mouse take a crap in the random corner, while Josh juggled little red balls, Phil sang Amazing Grace, Morgan returned with a sock, Jorge polished his gun, Carter is still dead, John is upset, Nine is alive, Katie is hot, such and such and such.
Instead we would reduce the amount of words, but keep the message intact.
Slightly Correct
Blaine drove past Darryl, who was busy trying to tie his shoe in his boot. Blaine laughed at Josh, who juggled a ball. The two Spartans laughed at the funny actions performed by the other Spartans/ODSTs, like singing Amazing Grace, holding socks, and admiring the beauty of certain people.
Sure the paragraph seems a little thick still, but fret not. At least we aren't listing what every single character is doing at that particular second. Not only would it be a pain in the ass to write, but honestly, who gives a flying fuck about Carter?
If you would like any more lessons, I am sure Manny or one of the other members of the Database would also be very willing to help you. Just keep in mind that you need to be able to learn to spot and fix your mistakes by your self too, because we might not always be around to help you.
Use Word or find something that will detect your errors, if any, and find out how to fix them too.
In NO way am I saying I DON'T want to help you, it's that I CAN'T right now. Thank you for your time.
. I don't mind helping you out now and then, but I have other stuff I need to do too, like my own stories and such.