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    The Burning Planet

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    dragon of darkness

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    The Burning Planet

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 14th 2013, 1:43 pm

    This is my first story alone so bare with me if it's a little rough
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    dragon of darkness

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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 14th 2013, 1:46 pm

    Prologue 

    "hope stop this has gone too far" Leo said throwing down his helmet 

    "I'll decide when it's gone too far Leo" I said turning to the wreckage

    "well crashing your damn ship into the base IS far enough" Leo said throwing a punch 

    "you really want to do this now" i said grabbing his fist "cause I lost enough"

    "we lost them because of your choices" he said pulling away

    "I had no choice we stumbled onto something big" 

    "ya, and it cost you everything" he said walking away

    "Leo, Leo get back here dammit" I yelled 

    "see ya sir" Leo said crudely

    I just stood there in my beaten, burned, crushed, and shot up suit watching the fire of the wreckage. It's been months since the last contact from the UNSC or any other contact. 

    "hope, hello hope come in"

    "Jackson you bastard I thought you died saving me and Leo"

    "you saved me plenty of times my friend"

    "well where are you" I said looking around

    "I'm with mike and heading your way"

    "well I'll see you soon I just can't wait to get out of hell" I said kicking a rock  


    short I know
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    Manny
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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  Manny on November 14th 2013, 5:05 pm

    Not too bad actually. Just watch your grammar (capitals at the start of every sentence would be a good place to start). Microsoft Word should help with that.

    You got Jackson down, as an Elite, pretty good. Why do I get this feeling? The way he spoke English. It was pretty formal, which is to be expected since English is not his first language.

    Also, when using dialouge, maybe try experimenting with the bold, italic, and underline features to really get some points across.

    For example, you could have had Hope say:

    "I'll decide when it's gone too far Leo", which would imply Hope is asserting his dominance.

    All in all, I found it to be not too bad. Leo and Hope's relationship reminds of Rick and Shane from the Walking Dead, somewhat.

    I look forward to more, considering you've just plopped us right into the middle of a ship wreck. Which is a perfectly acceptable way to start a story, and is good for grabbing the reader's attention since it causes them to question what happened beforehand.
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    dragon of darkness

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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 14th 2013, 8:14 pm

    Thanks for he advice and I'm glad It worked out like that I'll be working on the next part might be slow though
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    dragon of darkness

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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 14th 2013, 11:08 pm

    Chapter 1 

    "How far before we get there" mike asked standing in the doorway 

    "In a few hours" I replied annoyed "now, stop bugging me" 

    "Fine I'll leave you to your thoughts and projects  in your dark room" mike said closing the door behind him

    My room was dark and small with a bed in the corner, books on the floor, and my weapons on my desk getting cleaned it wasn't special just crowded. I was tired from this journey it's been two days since I slept, there was this feeling I couldn't shake but I closed my eyes and listened to the hum of the  engines and fell into the darkness. 


     

    I woke up when the ship stopped knocking a stack of books over. I got up and started to put them back when Leo barged in.

    "We have arrived" he said out of breath "you got to see this" 

    "See what Leo" I said turning to him 

    "See for yourself" he said walking to the bridge 

    "This better not be a waste of my time" I said walking as my suit shifted

    "It's not what command described" 

    "What does that mean" I said walking onto the bridge looking at a scrapyard  

    "There is no sign of the cruiser" he said

    "That's because this is the cruiser" 

    "That's impossible there is nothing out here" 

    "well this is proof that there is something out here" I said scanning the wreck. "Leo tell the others to get ready"

    "But hope we were ordered to capture the cruiser and download any data" he said looking at me

    "What ever did this might be on the planet so tell them to suit up and prep a pelican" I barked putting my helmet on

    "yes sir" Leo snapped walking out 

    This was not good failing a mission this important not good at all. I turned and found myself face to face with Jackson the elite.

    "I advise against defying orders" he said clicking his mandibles together 

    "Jackson, anything that destroyed this needs to be found" I said looking at the planet

    "I agree my friend but we are under orders" he said grabbing my shoulders

    "your under orders from me to get ready to go planet side" 

    Jackson stood there for a moment before walking off to the barracks. The mission was a failure but I planed find out what did this with orders or without.
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    Shad0wChas3r
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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  Shad0wChas3r on November 14th 2013, 11:45 pm

    I am definitely seeings some vast improvements here, and I just want you to know that I'm very proud of you for attempting a story on your own; for what it's worth.

    However, I still see some problems with punctuation. Now, I'm no Eric Nylund or Stephen King, or Dean Koontz, so don't think I'm trying to be pushy or anything Razz. My punctuation is wrong in some places too, it's natural, especially considering how I don't use resources like Microsoft Word or other word-processors.

    For example, I want to help you using the very first sentence you've used in the chapter:

    "How far before we get there" mike asked standing in the doorway
    No edits have been made, this is taken straight from your text. For starters, you need to end a sentence that a character has with some sort of close or continuation. In this instance, it would be best to end the sentence that Mike is asking with a question mark.

    "How far before we get there(?)" mike asked standing in the doorway
    This indicates to the reader that the character is done speaking. Alternatively, Mike could add something on at the end, this would warrant the use of a comma.

    "How far before we get there(,)" mike asked standing in the doorway "I got to pee."
    This tells the reader that they should expect the character to continue, after a brief description of their tone is given. Next thing you need to make sure of, no matter what, is to capitalize your character's name.

    "How far before we get there?" Mike asked standing in the doorway
    Now it's looking a little bit easier for us readers. Next thing I'm noticing is the sentence fragment here 'Mike asked standing in the doorway'. When reading that, it adds no pause to it, and I'll be honest, I was reading it like a robot when I first read the chapter xD .

    To fix this, we would add a comma after 'asked' to add a very brief pause.

    "How far before we get there?" Mike asked(,) standing in the doorway
    There, it's really shaping up for us now! Now this isn't necessarily required, but I noticed you did it in the following sentence with Hope, and that's great. What I'm talking about is emotion. For example, perhaps Mike is annoyed, instead of just a question mark following 'there' at the end of his dialogue, perhaps an exclamation point could join it. Then we'd describe that he was asking in a very impatient tone.

    "How far before we get there?(!)" Mike asked (impatiently), standing in the doorway
    From there, we reach the homestretch of the whole sentence. When you've finished describing the character's thoughts, actions, and surroundings during dialogue, you'll want to end with a period.

    "How far before we get there?!" Mike asked impatiently, standing in the doorway(.)
    And there we have it! It looks a bit more professional and is easier to understand that Mike is not a very patient individual. It gives us much more insight into the character, allowing us to bond with him.

    Moving on to your paragraph structuring, it's good. You just need to add more commas into the fray. For example, I'll use the paragraph after Mike leaves the room.

    My room was dark and small with a bed in the corner, books on the floor, and my weapons on my desk getting cleaned(.) (I)t wasn't special(,) just crowded. I was tired from this journey( ; ) it's been two days since I slept, (and) there was this feeling I couldn't shake(.) (B)ut I closed my eyes and listened to the hum of the  engines and fell into the darkness.
    Only a few things needed to be added here, as you can see with my parenthesis'. Despite that, you did a great job describing his room. I got the vision that it wasn't messy, and that he didn't think it was special; it was home. That and your description of the sounds were extremely well placed, adding the hum lulling him to sleep was perfect.

    Overall, there is work with punctuation and perhaps fleshing out the characters a bit more. But it is a good story nonetheless, and I can't stress how great it is that you're trying your own story solo! I will definitely keep my eyes on this story, well done!


    _________________


    \\'Boyo\\'

    Thanks for Reading!

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    Manny
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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  Manny on November 15th 2013, 12:01 am

    As Jensen would say... it makes me crai erryteim!

    [It makes my cry everytime]

    Our Hope is growing up (as a writer) Sad 

    WHY IS THERE NO HAPPY CRYING FACE?!
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    Shad0wChas3r
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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  Shad0wChas3r on November 15th 2013, 12:53 am

    Manny wrote:As Jensen would say... it makes me crai erryteim!

    [It makes my cry everytime]

    Our Hope is growing up (as a writer) Sad 

    WHY IS THERE NO HAPPY CRYING FACE?!
    Yes there is: \\'Boyo\\' 

    Bryce is crying with joy as he continually fires that shotgun off.


    _________________


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    Thanks for Reading!

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    dragon of darkness

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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 15th 2013, 5:55 am

    Thanks for the tips again I'm still young an learning but I'm extremely glad it's working out as I imagined
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    dragon of darkness

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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 15th 2013, 11:38 pm

    The hanger was full of activity, marines rushed around checking vehicles, weaponry, and crates making sure their in order. 

    "sir, the pelican is ready and your team is already aboard" a marine said, checking his clipboard 

    "good, your in-charge when I'm gone" 

    "like last time sir?" 

    "like last time" I said, boarding the pelican 

    "yes sir" he said, running off

    The pelican smelled of antibiotics and looked as if it just came off the line. The team, Mike, Cammy, Leo, and Jackson, smelled and looked as if they been through hell and back five times.

    "Mike, tell the pilot to take us planet side," I said, as mike shifted uncomfortably "did I stutter?"

    "No" Mike said, heading to the cockpit 

    "Ok, we are going down there to find out what ever or who ever destroyed the cruiser," I said, tapping on my helmet as pelican rocked and shuddered as it took off "this is dangerous, but we at least need to find this thing

    "Our mission was to scavenge the cruiser for data and equipment" Cammy asked

    "Well the cruiser is gone so the next best thing is to find out what did it" I replied

    "I'd rather stay on the ship" Leo said

    "We're a team" I said, sliding my helmet on

    Leo just grunted out of frustration and turned away. The pelicans lights flicked off and started to to free-fall. 

    "god damn, what the hell is Happening up there?" I yelled 

    "Something just sent us a EMP" mike said, running around the cockpit

    "Dammit, brace for impact" I barked

    "That's not good" Cammy said

    "It never is" Leo said, as the pelican entered the planets atmosphere 

    The pelican groaned as it raced closer to the ground, my team was frightened they been in a pelican crash but never this high, the left wing was torn off sending it into a spin before impact.




    The darkness took me putting me in a building as the sound of birds chirping and the smell of roses filled the room. There was a window showing the land spread out with waterfalls and birds flying around.

    "It's a buetiful sight isn't it" a female voice asked 

    I looked away from the window to look for who spoken. In the corner of the room stood a girl with her hair down to her shoulders and her dress sliding across the floor like water off of the beach. 

    "It is a wonderful sight" a man said as his voice echoed off the walls. 

    "Do you think I'll find him" 

    "you'll find him in do time"

    "I know he hasn't forgotten me"

    "I'm sure Hope is looking for you Maliha"




    "hope wake up" mike yelled, pulling the pilot out of the wreck

    I shifted realizing where we were 

    "Jesus man" Leo wheezed 

    "how long was I out mike" I grunted, pulling myself up

    "No more than twenty minutes" 

    "have you tried comms" I asked, searching the wreck

    "Just static" 

    "dammit" I said, punching the pelican in frustration 

    "Jackson when to scout around" Leo said 

    "Good we wait here until he gets back," I barked as I pulled out my weapons "we are going to be here a while"
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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  Manny on November 20th 2013, 12:27 am

    Is this latest part a continuation of Chapter 1? I didn't see a "Chapter 2" for a title, so I was just wondering.
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    dragon of darkness

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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 20th 2013, 2:03 am

    It is the continue for chapter one
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    dragon of darkness

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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 24th 2013, 12:21 pm

    Chapter 2

    I was back in the room. The sound of a fire and ticking of a clock filled the room. Maliha was sitting by the fireplace. I tried to move but it was like being sealed in cement my voice was muted. 

    "James, where are my friends" Maliha asked

    "their on the way here" James said 

    "hope needs to be alive" Maliha said fixing her dress

    "I understand" James said flicking on the lights

    The rooms walls were velvet red and the carpet was a shade of blue matching the curtains. The chairs were made of leather and the table was oak. 


    "you do not understand," Maliha snapped "I know him and he knows me"

    "pulvis et umbra sumus" James mumbled

    "yes yes we are dust and shadows now yourdone here" she said tapping her knee

    "yes miss" James said walking out

    "please hurry hope"





    I jerked up hitting my head on a piece of the pelican making mike jump. 

    "that has to hurt" he said 

    "not really" I said groggily 

    "ok" mike said turning to his weapons

    "mike wake up the others it's time to move out" I said getting up 

    "yes sir" mike said going to wake the others

    I collected my gear checking the ammo, fully loaded. I slid my helmet on and the HUD flashed on. 

    Shields 100%

    Health 90%

    Radar offline 

    "where are we heading" Leo asked leaning on the pelican

    "north" I replied bluntly 

    "Jackson is back" Leo grumbled

    "good, is every one set"

    "yes, but the radars are malfunctioning" 

    "I noticed" I said heading past Leo 

    "of course" Leo said following

    The rest were all waiting by as I walked past they started to follow. 

    "there would be a settlement somewhere," I said sliding down a hill "we are going to find it and capture everyone there"

    "what why capture they would be the ones that destroyed our objective" Leo grumbled 

    "we capture them shoot to hurt not to kill If it comes to that" I snapped

    "your going soft" Leo hissed 

    "I'm not weak we need intell" I hissed back

    "fine" Leo grumbled 

    "we are moving out now" I said walking off not looking back to see if they were following. 
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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 30th 2013, 1:57 am

    Chapter 3

    The planet was heavily forested. There were vines tangling branches of trees. The bushes were thick and tough to cut through. The sounds of wild animals echoed.  

    "the fuck are we heading" Leo grumbled 

    "just trust me" I said cutting through the foliage 

    "whatever you say" he hissed

    "stop, look," mike said pushing ahead "you were right"

    we crouched behind a few trees and scanned the clearing. There was a wall surrounding the complex with eight guards on each wall and tower. There was a small mounting holding a house on it's peek. 

    "hope, how did you know this was here?" cammy asked 

    "I'll explain it later" I replied 

    "this is huge," mike said "they look like they've been here a while"

    "looks like it there are a few warthog patrolling the outside and god knows what's on the inside," I pointed out "also we need to get to that building on the mountain"  

    "that will be hard my friend" Jackson said 

    "I know, we're going to enter at night," I said stepping back "set up camp and mike your on guard duty when you need sleep wake me up"

    "understood" mike said 




    "Sir wake up" mike said sleepily

    "time already," I said, rubbing the drowsiness out of my eyes "get some rest"

    "Thanks" mike said laying down and immediately falling asleep

    The jungle at night was pitch black the only light came off our visors. The only sound was animals and the faint sound of crickets. All the sounds made it sound like a symphony. All the sounds stopped making it eerily quite. I drew my weapon as rustling came from my right. 

    "come on" I said, looking towards the bushes 

    I laughed a bit as a squirrel came scampering out holding a acorn up to me. 

    "no thanks little guy I got my own food" I said, showing a MRE. 

    After the squirrel crawled away it was completely silent and the darkness didn't help make it more friendly. 


     

    "come on guys time to infiltrate silently" I said

    "come on five more hours" Cammy complained

    "you know we have to do this now" I said checking the base. 

    I was meet with guns aimed at my head. My shields could handle a single weapon not 40 at once. 

    "hello there I'm James" James said 

    "how the hell" I said 

    "not hell who" James said taking my weapons and helmet 

    "hey that's mine" 

    "well now how can I have a hostage to make your team do what I want when I can't kill you instantly" James said pointing to my friends

    "bastard" I said gritting my teeth 

    "oh you'll be quite happy once you see who I'm bringing you too"  James said leading me and my team towards the base last the walls

    "there is no one I would be happy to see" I said as they lead my friends down a corridor and lead me to a door 

    "you're wrong" James said opening the door pushing me inside 

    "no your wrong" I yelled back at the closed door

    "you'd bee surprised hope" 

    I froze "is that really you" 

    "yes it's me" 

    "how did you survive Maliha" I said

    "long story, sit I'll tell you" Maliha said pointing to a chair

    "you look the same"  I said sitting down  

    "thank you," Maliha said "don't you want to know what happened"

    "yes" I said admiring her as she started to tell the story
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    I_IRONMAN_I

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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  I_IRONMAN_I on July 3rd 2014, 1:26 am

    I like where this story is going, and I can see improvements, but also the same mistakes.

    One I would like to point out is the lack of capitalization after the quotation marks (") as well as lack of punctuation. I.E. ("i need to pee") when it should be, ("I need to pee."). I not being mean, because when I began writing, I would make these same mistakes.

    Keep writing and take your time doing so!
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    dragon of darkness

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    Re: The Burning Planet

    Post  dragon of darkness on July 3rd 2014, 8:57 am

    Ya I almost forgot about this one, thanks for posting on it because now I plan on continuing. Thanks again.

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