Author's Note wrote:It's been a while since I've done something satirical. This is all non-canon of course.
Listen to the song at the bottom, and bear in mind, this one is NOT for the faint of heart.
It's a bit frightening.
"Yes, Master Law. I am on set and ready to begin operations." Standing alone in the dark, Manuel looked around, somewhat perturbed. He wore his uniform, clean and pressed, with his sidearm strapped to his hip. His keen, augmented eyes scanned the dark as the Spartan wandered around, searching for the duo he was to rendezvous with. "But, I'm unsure that I'm in the correct location. Are you sure the coordinates are accurate?"
As the lights slowly came up on the large, greenscreened soundstage, Freelancer Spartan John-B069 slid into view, as Maura enthusiastically leapt over him! After the bombastic entrance, both hosts took a bow to the thunderous applause of the audience. Manuel, startled, looked around. "...Nevermind," he said, handing up on War.
"Welcome to the Freelancer Fun Hour!" John, waving his hands at the live studio audience, grinned widely. Children in the audience cheered as Manuel winced at the noise. "We're your hosts, John and Maura!"
Maura, similarly enthusiastic, draped an arm around Manuel's shoulders. "Today we have a special guest, kids! Meet Grumpy Manny!"
Manuel's eyes grew sharp, glaring at Maura. "...Charmed. So, are we ready to begin operations?"
John elbowed Manuel stiffly, jostling the Spartan, who growled at him. "We sure are! Doctor Bailey, cue the music! We're gonna start today's episode how we always start it! And how do we always start our episodes, kids?"
Manuel answered first, raising his eyebrow. "With a crisp, by the books, professional execution of all ordered objectives, no matter how gruesome?"
Maura snorted, laughing as she patted Manuel on the back. "No, dummy, with a..."
John and Maura gestured to the studio audience, and the three-hundred odd children immediately screamed, "SING ALONG!!!"
"...Why are these children here? Are they Spartan Candidates?" Manuel rubbed his chin, his discomfort growing. "What even is this? I thought this was meant to be a negotia-"
Before his eyes, the green-screen stage suddenly became a war game. The ground below him fell away, and he was standing on the metal frame of a M313 Heavy Recovery Vehicle; in other words, an elephant.
"Alright kids, sing along if you know the words!" Maura quickly moved to the edge of the elephant, sitting on the side. Dr. Bailey put in a record, playing jaunty music as the children's cheers slowly grew quiet so they could listen. John manned the controls, as the Elephant rolled on a fixed treadmill, the background behind them cycling to give the illusion of movement.
Maura: It's time for the Elephant Song!
John: Elephant!
Maura: Elephant!
John: Big and strong and metal and intelligent!
Maura: Intelligent!
John: How can I feel blue, I've got my sister by my side, and an elephant to ride!
Maura: Elephant!
John: Elephant!
Manuel: It's not an animal.
Maura: But that's irrelevant!
John: Irrelevant!
Manuel: This is Legionnaire Manuel calling for emergency evac.
Maura: C'mon don't be upset because there's so much you can learn, on an iron pachyderm!
John: Other kids have bikes, or dads who pick them up from school!
Maura: But that's just not for me, you understand?
Manuel: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M OUT OF RANGE?!
John: Other kids have horses, other kids have dogs!
Maura: Other kids have hamsters, other kids have frogs!
John: But the pet for me is something much more graaaaaaaaaaaaaand!
As the song droned on into the next verse, Manuel gripped the pistol in his holster. Before he could put it to his temple, a child suddenly seized his ankle. As the children rushed the stage, they scaled the side of the elephant with robotic precision, their smiling faces boring into Manuel's eyes. With the devil's strength, they dragged him off the side of the vehicle. Manuel narrowly seized the side of the vehicle, hanging on by his fingertips and sheer tenacity. Were they going to bite him? Tear him to pieces?
No. He felt hugs. Tiny arms wrapped around his legs and waist, one grabbing his arm. His pistol clattered uselessly to the ground below. "HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
"Oh boy, it looks like it's audience participation time!" Maura slyly grinned down at the Legionnaire, as John stepped forward.
"You know, it's important to help your friends, Maura. Let's give him a hand." With that, John stomped Manuel's fingers, and sent him plummeting into the crowd of children below.
Manuel woke up with a shriek of horror, drenched in sweat and pale as a ghost. The room was painfully white, as his eyes slowly adjusted to the light in the room. In the corner, John and Maura sat. John was playing with a gameboy, and Maura was reading a trashy magazine.
"STAY BACK!!!" Manuel bellowed, scrambling against the bedframe as John looked up.
"Calm down," Maura said, yawning. "We're just pulling guard duty. You got seriously bad food poisoning, and you've been muttering in your sleep."
"Something about evac. War nightmares?" John asked, curious.
Manuel stared at them, knowing that after what he'd just experienced in the darkest corners of his psyche, he could never trust them again.
Inspired by this horrifying song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7vZqpsJQo0
