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    a strange encounter

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    dragon of darkness

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    a strange encounter

    Post  dragon of darkness on April 13th 2013, 7:04 pm

    writers note: this is a single person collaboration you can comment in here and just go with it ok

    I walked back and forth in my den thinking about the day Maliha was taken it was years since, how I miss her, I walked to the widow and seen that the marines were doing a lousy job of fixing the generator. I walked out as they looked at me one of the marines had a face of worry as he knows what happens when they mess up. I snatched the wrench out of his hand and tightened a few bolts and it came to life. I gave him a look to say you’re such an idiot .

    “Sir, they need you in the conference room” a marine came up to me with a TACPAD

    I took the TACPAD from him as he flinched, I hated it when people did that , I read the message on it. Apparently there is a strange person who is attacking supply convoys with both storm and human weapons. I headed down to so what’s going on. As I arrive they where talkedng about it.

    “How the hell did he do all this damage!” a man said.

    “I don’t know sir he just attacked and took some stuff.” a marine said leaning on a crutch.

    “So, what happened back there?” The man yelled “oh, you’re here nice to meet you I’m Shawn and you are” he put his hand out to shake I pushed it away and pointed to my tag to show him my name.

    “Oh, so your hope” he said looking back at the map “this is the general area where he attacked so we are going to send a decoy convoy along this road and wait for him to attack. If you see him when you see him make sure you don’t miss or you’re dead got it”

    I nodded as he looked at me after all he said I was wondering how this one man was doing all of this. I walked to the armory to get ready. The machine was a strange contraption but who cares. I climbed in to it and it started to put my armor on piece by piece. As it finished I stepped down and put my helmet on. I did a self-check shields good, health good, sensors good. As it finished my weapons popped out of the machine, a sniper and a DMR this time, I put my sniper on my back with a click and I was ready to go. I walked out of the armory as a marine came up from behind me, I almost knocked him flat, he briefed me about the mission “you’re supposed to kill or capture this man when he attacks” yada, yada whatever I thought to myself as I pushed him away. As I walked out to the yard the convoy ready with a gauss warthog in the front and back and a cargo one in the middle.

    “Sir, over here” the driver from the front of the convoy said

    I walked over and got in he looked at me as my armor shined in the sunlight I pointed at the road to tell him to go and we were on the road ready for this man.



    I was looking at the trees speed by, or if you want to be real we speed by, an explosion sent the warthog flying and it crashed upside down I was dazed but not out i climbed out of it, the rocket killed the driver but the impacted killed the gunner. I looked around as more rockets detonated I ran for cover and pulled out my weapon and took a few shots where the man was attacking. As more detonated I decided to run straight to him. Before I did it I got some courage and darted out of cover straight toward him as I got closer he directed his aim at me but before he could fire I tackled him to the ground and tossed his weapons aside he was waring a spartan II armor. I was going to take his helmet of but before I could everything went black.

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    Manny
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    Re: a strange encounter

    Post  Manny on April 13th 2013, 7:57 pm

    ...It's not a collaboration if it's by yourself. That's kinda the defining feature of a collaboration...you do something with other people as a group.

    However, I am proud of you Hope for starting your own story. I do believe that you will find that you have a lot more flexibility and room to create in terms of characters and plot.

    One thing to bear in mind is to ask if you plan on using other people's characters, just like you did in Shadow's short story about Cellophone. You may have noticed that other authors have done so briefly in their own stories, without asking, but is mainly because the majority of us have known each other for a while so there is a certain comfort zone there.

    I refrain from doing so mainly because I feel like I wouldn't do them justice No

    Back to YOUR story... All I have to offer in terms of criticism is to work on grammar more than anything. I highly suggest using Microsoft Word or any other similar software that has a spellcheck.

    An alternative to that is to use Google Chrome, Safari, or any other web browser that has a spell check.

    I'd also recommend this website to check for grammar and spelling mistakes: www.spellcheckplus.com. Sometimes it catches mistakes that Microsoft Word can't!

    Note: That website will only point out the errors and tell you why it's wrong/what it should be. You have to actually edit them yourself.
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    dragon of darkness

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    Re: a strange encounter

    Post  dragon of darkness on April 13th 2013, 10:26 pm

    ok 1 im not going to use any characters except cellophane 2 i know im not the best at spelling things and grammar and all so deal with it 3 ok thanks for the tip
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    Shad0wChas3r
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    Re: a strange encounter

    Post  Shad0wChas3r on April 14th 2013, 9:43 pm

    The angel of hope wrote:ok 1 im not going to use any characters except cellophane 2 i know im not the best at spelling things and grammar and all so deal with it 3 ok thanks for the tip

    I say this a lot don't I? I don't mean to be rude, but that is the most bi-polar post I've ever read, to be frank.

    Manuel wasn't sure if you had my express permission to use 'Mister Cellophane', and was reminding you that the proper etiquette was to list my character as my own. He was using his personal experiences to note that using other people's characters doesn't always do them justice.

    As for your spelling and grammar, he wasn't calling you out to be a jerk. He was telling you that your story was a bit hard to read, and offered you numerous resources to help you make your story even better for the reader. If a reader can't read and understand your story, you have no story. That's all he meant by it. Telling him to deal with it won't make him want to read your story, because you told a good-meaning critique to shove his criticism up his ass. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't like that, not one bit.

    Then you thank him for the criticism, directly after you tell him that he should deal with it. If you want to thank someone for their criticism, you typically at least TRY their advice, otherwise you thank them and go on your merry way, but you don't shove and thank.

    Now for my criticisms on the story, I have a few questions I'd like to ask:

    1. Where and when exactly is this?

    Cellophane died on Harvest when the Covenant attacked. If Storm weapons are involved, someone done fucked up the Dalorean again, because someone used time travel to bring those weapons here.

    2. Who is 'him?'

    I know that's probably the big unveil for the next part, but if 'him' is referring to Cellophane, Cellophane is an ODST, plain and simple. And that stems another questions, why the hell would Cellophane be a target of Hope?

    There is more I would ask, but I feel like I'm ragging more than I am remaining neutral. I would like some answers to the above questions, and keep in mind what I said about taking criticism in stride.
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    dragon of darkness

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    Re: a strange encounter

    Post  dragon of darkness on April 14th 2013, 10:03 pm

    ok sorry about that ok so this is on a planet that hasn't been captured yet only one UNSC base and the unknown man isn't cellophane you will find out the next post and all that so sorry but im tired of every one correcting me
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    Manny
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    Re: a strange encounter

    Post  Manny on April 14th 2013, 10:11 pm

    Shad0wChas3r wrote:Manuel wasn't sure if you had my express permission to use 'Mister Cellophane', and was reminding you that the proper etiquette was to list my character as my own. He was using his personal experiences to note that using other people's characters doesn't always do them justice.

    Actually... I was just telling him to ask other people before using their characters, using his own experience of asking if he could use "the tale of Cellophane" in his story as an example.

    I then went on a tangent and explained why I rarely use other people's characters. Mainly to stress that it's not a task to be taken lightly.

    Shad0wChas3r wrote:
    1. Where and when exactly is this?

    Cellophane died on Harvest when the Covenant attacked. If Storm weapons are involved, someone done fucked up the Dalorean again, because someone used time travel to bring those weapons here.

    2. Who is 'him?'

    I know that's probably the big unveil for the next part, but if 'him' is referring to Cellophane, Cellophane is an ODST, plain and simple. And that stems another questions, why the hell would Cellophane be a target of Hope?

    I believe he asked to use the tale of Cellophane as a story, not Cellophane as a character.

    Oh and Hope, mistakes are how we learn. Pointing them out isn't me trying to be a jerk, like Shadow said, it's me just trying to help you to make the story better than what it is.

    Hell, I constantly ask for help with my story. And by help I mean help with character development, spelling etc.

    In all honesty, most people would have trouble developing a plot or characters. The fact that your main error is something that can be fixed fairly easily means that you're doing something right.

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