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    Lunch Break (Alternatively: Space BBQ)

    Bad John
    Freelancer Operative

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    Location : A box in the United States.

    Lunch Break (Alternatively: Space BBQ)

    Post  Bad John on July 29th 2015, 7:16 pm

    Something short and slightly funny. Thought of it while cooking.


    September 3, 2549

    The room was dark and oddly cold. The only appreciable sounds were the trepid footsteps of a single, careful human.

    John-B069 wandered into the room where the ONI operatives deposited him, and he took careful steps. Even with the lights, off, he could see pretty well. The only things in the room were a large two way mirror on the wall to his left, where a panel of goose stepping fuckers in lab coats stood, and a table in the center of the room. John could see soft vapors coming off of it.

    He stopped and sniffed. Something smelled good. Like savory meat, but he couldn't place the scent. Some sort of food from the outer colonies, maybe?

    The lights jarringly activated, but John didn't squint. His Spartan eyes weren't taxed in the least by the glare, his pupils shrinking automatically as his brain adjusted.

    "Hello, Beta-069. We have a very short test for you today." A voice spoke through the intercom, as John turned towards the two way mirror, knowing it was the source.

    "Uh, okay. What's it going to be?" John was, more than anything, interested in getting this over with and getting back to bed. He had taken a spike round to the thigh. Though he could walk on the wound, the muscles having healed days ago, he was getting a decent amount  of R&R, and he wanted to truly take his time and enjoy the experience.

    "Beta-B069, I need you to consume the contents of that plate." The voice spoke, and John turned his head towards the table. It was the source of the pleasant, savory scent. John took at it, slowly walking towards it. On the plate was something that was, for all intents and purposes, alien to him.

    A large, browned cone rose up from a small, brown ball of what appeared to be some sort of steak. Beneath that, there was a slab of cooked meat that resembled pork. Beside the dish was an assortment of condiments, and a bowl of white rice. John looked to the right of it. There were napkins, a large bottle of water, and a fork and knife.

    "...This is weird." John turned back towards the two-way mirror.

    The intercom clicked slightly, then the scientist - John could tell this man was part of some science team - addressed John again. "Beta-069-"

    "Everyone just calls me John, dude. You could save a lot of syllables that way." John folded his arm. "Is this, like, poison? In don't know what the hell this thing is."

    "You will be censured for disobedience if you do not consume the contents of the plate."

    "...Is this a fetish thing?" John furrowed his brow, running a hand over his jaw. The teenager seemed thoroughly displeased with the situation.

    "OF COURSE NOT." The scientist, losing patience, was audibly thrashing the mike. John could hear the reverb of the ONI operative pounding the desk. "Just eat the contents of the plate."

    "...Okay. But let me tell you, this is not what I wanted today." John sighed, grasping the fork. He prodded the cone, and it chipped off, rolling onto the porky portion. "Fuck me."

    "Eat, Beta-069," the interviewer rakishly husked.

    John prodded the dark meat, and cut into it with his knife. He lifted it to his lips and bit. As he chewed, he quickly became aware of the fact that it was delicious. It was tender, and flavorful, in a way he couldn't begin to describe.

    John quickly began eating, pausing between bites. "MAN. I gotta tell you, this day just turned from a check minus to a check plus."

    "...Am I to take it that you enjoy the meat?" The interviewer asked.

    "Yeah." John looked up, nodding as he drank from his glass of water. He set it down, forking another mouthful. "What is it, some sorta fusion cuisine?"

    The operative was silent, but John didn't particularly care. He placed a part of the broken cone into his mouth, chewing. It came apart like a crispy waffle between his teeth, tasting vaguely like some sort of batter. "...This stuff isn't human or something, is it?"

    "No. We have confirmed that it isn't human." The operative was quiet, but John could hear a pen scribbling.

    "Then what the hell is it?" The panelist remained silent, and John shrugged. So long as it wasn't human flesh, he was unconcerned with the contents of the odd meat. "Can I have more?"

    "Unfortunately, we don't have any more. But, if you don't experience any side effects from its consumption, we'd be happy to send more your way when we come across it."

    From that point on, John ate in relative quiet, the interviewer asking him questions about the meal's consistency, and how healthy he felt afterwards.


    June 16, 2558

    Another Covenant Remnant raid was taking place on a fairly defenseless planet. Fortunately, the Infinity was passing through, and Fireteam Blackout, consisting of Bailey's Spartan IIIs, was deployed to stomp out the jiralhanae raiders. John, Maura, and Lucy, splitting off from the team, were finishing off their opponents in a small apartment building.

    The final brute dropped from one of Lucy's DMR rounds, thumping to the ground. "Alright. The area has been secured." She squinted as Maura did a quick sweep of the adjacent rooms. "Looks like nobody's home. Objective complete."

    Lucy lowered her rifle and John clipped his submachine gun onto his hip. "Yo John," Maura called from the next room. "What were you saying about that weird interview?" Maura, comfortable that the enemy in the area had been routed, stretched. Her armor comfortably pulled her calf muscles, then her abdominals as she relaxed after a the long firefight.

    John turned towards Maura as she milled about, checking for any hiding jackals or hidden traps. "Well," John continued his story, "that was it. I just went in, ate the meat on the plate, then they told me to report to them if anything felt fucked up. Turned out, it was totally safe."

    Maura nodded, pausing as she entered one of the rooms. "Trippy."

    Lucy completely froze as she checked the kitchen. One of the brutes she'd tagged was lying prone on the floor. However, what was on the table intrigued her.

    "Hey John, that thing they had you eat. It had a big, weird cone pointing from the top, right?" Lucy smirked, looking at the Thorn Beast Cone on the table. It had several rough bites taken out of it by the brute lying on the floor.

    John nodded, looking over. He immediately yanked his helmet off, his jaw going slack. "...Son of a bitch."

    Maura, walking into the kitchen behind him, loudly snorted, breaking into laughter. "They had you eat brute food, man!"

    "Classic ONI," Lucy grumbled. "Always pulling weird shit like that. What do you suppose it is?" Lucy asked, prodding it with her finger.

    It was luke-warm and covered in brute germs, so John declined eating it now, despite how good he remembered it tasting. The dark skinned Spartan sighed, putting his helmet back on and rolling his eyes. "Well, whatever it is, now I want to know what that hybrid pie shit was that they had me eat the week before."
    Database Director

    Posts : 1229
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    Re: Lunch Break (Alternatively: Space BBQ)

    Post  Shad0wChas3r on July 29th 2015, 8:15 pm

    Bwahahahaha! So this is how they got John into Thorn Beast Cones, eh? I'll safely tell you I wouldn't do that in a million years, so kudos to John for taking that task.

    Speaking of Hybrid Pie... I still don't even know what's in that fucking thing. It was something Panther came up with. Trippy.



    Thanks for Reading!

    Bad John
    Freelancer Operative

    Posts : 1224
    Join date : 2013-01-17
    Location : A box in the United States.

    Re: Lunch Break (Alternatively: Space BBQ)

    Post  Bad John on July 29th 2015, 8:47 pm

    I imagine Hybrid Pie is full of something different every time you bite it.

    First bite is blueberries. Second bite is spiders. Third bite is toothpaste. Like some sort of freakish Pie Nightmare.
    Database Director

    Posts : 1229
    Join date : 2013-01-16
    Age : 24

    Re: Lunch Break (Alternatively: Space BBQ)

    Post  Shad0wChas3r on July 29th 2015, 9:33 pm

    I think he also hinted at Skirmishers or Jackals also being in it. Ah nah, fuck dat.



    Thanks for Reading!

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    Re: Lunch Break (Alternatively: Space BBQ)

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      Current date/time is January 17th 2019, 8:20 am