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Most users ever online was 29 on October 1st 2013, 12:09 am


    Alasha's beginning

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    Miss valintine

    Posts : 6
    Join date : 2015-02-15

    Alasha's beginning

    Post  Miss valintine on February 25th 2015, 12:11 am

    Alasha was surrounded by multiple elites, all armed with energy swords and plasma weapons. She would be armed with nothing but two knifes and a pistol. She would look at them to see which one will attack first, bringing up her knifes. The land around here would be a barren desert, dust devils coming and going. Her boots would be dusty as they slide on the ground.

    One of the closest elites wielding a energy sword would move in after her, swinging its blade down at her. She would dodge to the right of the swing and into the elites, Burying one of her knifes into his chest and the other into his head. Using his body to shield herself from the plasma fire, pulling one of he knives out of his chest. Two more elites would move in after her, each armed with a sword. She would toss the body at one of them before moving out of the way of the other. She would extend one arm out so one of her blades would bury into him, using his own momentum to bury it inside of his chest. She would let go of the blade in his chest and quickly grabs his energy sword, swinging it at the elite that charged her after pushing the body away.

    She would yelp out in shock as two plasma shots find there target in her side. She would put up her knife to draw her pistol, aiming at an elite as she starts to charge him. She would fire off multiple shots at the elite, bringing up the energy sword up to impale him. Purple blood would spray from the wound, covering the front half of her armor. Pulling the sword down and out of the side of his body, causing a big gaping cut.

    She would hear the sound of heavy footsteps thumping behind her. She would immediately swing behind her, hearing the gurgling sound of the elite as he clutches at his throat. She would immediately go for the plasma rifle the elite she impaled dropped, pulling the trigger as she sprays a couple of elites with it. She would kill a few of them with it before charging at a nearby one, finding that the number has dwindled to at least seven elites. She would move to swing at the elite standing in front of her, which in turn would swing his up to meet hers.

    The two would clash swords a few times, each time she would try to shoot the elite only to have it hit the gun away from him. She would angle it so each time it would hit a few elites in the processes. As the clashing seems to almost come to the end, Alasha would feel a sharp unbearable pain shoot through her chest. When she looks down she would see the two ends of a energy sword, at that moment everything would freeze as a masculine voice would speak out, "Simulation over, Progress 88%." The elites and dead bodies would fade away in code, as well as the blood and wound.

    Alasha would growl as she takes her helmet off, rubbing the temples of her forehead, "Run it again!"

    "Prepping simulation 9582, setting difficulty to 10/10," The voice would fade for a second before coming back with a bit of static, "Ma'am you have a visitor."

    "Cancel the simulation, I will be there in a minute," Alasha would respond as a door would appear in front of her, She would pick up one of her knives as she heads to the door.

    She would head through a hallway into a small locker room, most of them in use. They would be arranged in a u formation, hers on the left end. She would head over to it, taking off her helmet to place it in her locker. As she sets down the helmet in her locker she would hear footsteps behind her, turning she would see a female figure in the doorway. Alasha would watch her as she steps into the room, crossing her arms as she does.

    "It is never good when you show up Mother," Alasha would comment as she goes back to her locker, "What is it now, hmm?"

    "You have been training a lot Alasha dear, you know you are about to be sent out tomorrow." her mother would respond, standing between the door and Alasha.

    "I know, why do you think I am training so much. This is my first mission and I do not want to mess this up, then I will most likely be the only one of the group that has failed their first mission," Alasha would growl out, slamming her fist into the side of her locker, "Imagine what the others would call me, Stuff gets to me but not as much as when I first started."

    "You will be working with another spartan... or hopefully you will but that's not the point, you will not be judged like that." Her mother would respond, crossing her arms.

    Alasha would start to respond to her, only to be interrupted by a marine running into the locker room. His breathing would be erratic as he starts to talk quite fast, talking about the mission being jumped to today and the fact that Alasha has to leave right at this moment.

    "She has to go NOW, the pelican is waiting outside and we have no time to lose!" he would say, straitening up a bit.

    "But I thought it was going to be tomorrow." Alasha and her mother would both say.

    "It was suppose to be, but its today," he would point down the hall, "I do not know why but we have to go."

    Alasha would grumble and grab her helmet, sliding it on before getting her assault rifle and pistol. She would head out with the marine quickly, leaving her mother alone. Alasha would head out through multiple hallways, going through doors before she would find herself outside.  The marine would head to the left to a landing pad, where a pelican is landed. Alasha would start to move to the pelican before a spartan steps out of the pelican, she would immediately realize she has not meet this spartan.
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    Impanther

    Posts : 230
    Join date : 2013-01-17
    Age : 25

    Re: Alasha's beginning

    Post  Impanther on February 25th 2015, 12:35 am

    Miss valintine wrote:Alasha was surrounded by multiple elites, all armed with energy swords and plasma weapons. She would be armed with nothing but two knifes and a pistol. She would look at them to see which one will attack first, bringing up her knifes. The land around here would be a barren desert, dust devils coming and going. Her boots would be dusty as they slide on the ground.

    One of the closest elites wielding a energy sword would move in after her, swinging its blade down at her. She would dodge to the right of the swing and into the elites, Burying one of her knifes into his chest and the other into his head. Using his body to shield herself from the plasma fire, pulling one of he knives out of his chest. Two more elites would move in after her, each armed with a sword. She would toss the body at one of them before moving out of the way of the other. She would extend one arm out so one of her blades would bury into him, using his own momentum to bury it inside of his chest. She would let go of the blade in his chest and quickly grabs his energy sword, swinging it at the elite that charged her after pushing the body away.

    She would yelp out in shock as two plasma shots find there target in her side. She would put up her knife to draw her pistol, aiming at an elite as she starts to charge him. She would fire off multiple shots at the elite, bringing up the energy sword up to impale him. Purple blood would spray from the wound, covering the front half of her armor. Pulling the sword down and out of the side of his body, causing a big gaping cut.

    She would hear the sound of heavy footsteps thumping behind her. She would immediately swing behind her, hearing the gurgling sound of the elite as he clutches at his throat. She would immediately go for the plasma rifle the elite she impaled dropped, pulling the trigger as she sprays a couple of elites with it. She would kill a few of them with it before charging at a nearby one, finding that the number has dwindled to at least seven elites. She would move to swing at the elite standing in front of her, which in turn would swing his up to meet hers.

    The two would clash swords a few times, each time she would try to shoot the elite only to have it hit the gun away from him. She would angle it so each time it would hit a few elites in the processes. As the clashing seems to almost come to the end, Alasha would feel a sharp unbearable pain shoot through her chest. When she looks down she would see the two ends of a energy sword, at that moment everything would freeze as a masculine voice would speak out, "Simulation over, Progress 88%." The elites and dead bodies would fade away in code, as well as the blood and wound.

    Alasha would growl as she takes her helmet off, rubbing the temples of her forehead, "Run it again!"

    "Prepping simulation 9582, setting difficulty to 10/10," The voice would fade for a second before coming back with a bit of static, "Ma'am you have a visitor."

    "Cancel the simulation, I will be there in a minute," Alasha would respond as a door would appear in front of her, She would pick up one of her knives as she heads to the door.

    She would head through a hallway into a small locker room, most of them in use. They would be arranged in a u formation, hers on the left end. She would head over to it, taking off her helmet to place it in her locker. As she sets down the helmet in her locker she would hear footsteps behind her, turning she would see a female figure in the doorway. Alasha would watch her as she steps into the room, crossing her arms as she does.

    "It is never good when you show up Mother," Alasha would comment as she goes back to her locker, "What is it now, hmm?"

    "You have been training a lot Alasha dear, you know you are about to be sent out tomorrow." her mother would respond, standing between the door and Alasha.

    "I know, why do you think I am training so much. This is my first mission and I do not want to mess this up, then I will most likely be the only one of the group that has failed their first mission," Alasha would growl out, slamming her fist into the side of her locker, "Imagine what the others would call me, Stuff gets to me but not as much as when I first started."

    "You will be working with another spartan... or hopefully you will but that's not the point, you will not be judged like that." Her mother would respond, crossing her arms.

    Alasha would start to respond to her, only to be interrupted by a marine running into the locker room. His breathing would be erratic as he starts to talk quite fast, talking about the mission being jumped to today and the fact that Alasha has to leave right at this moment.

    "She has to go NOW, the pelican is waiting outside and we have no time to lose!" he would say, straitening up a bit.

    "But I thought it was going to be tomorrow." Alasha and her mother would both say.

    "It was suppose to be, but its today," he would point down the hall, "I do not know why but we have to go."

    Alasha would grumble and grab her helmet, sliding it on before getting her assault rifle and pistol. She would head out with the marine quickly, leaving her mother alone. Alasha would head out through multiple hallways, going through doors before she would find herself outside.  The marine would head to the left to a landing pad, where a pelican is landed. Alasha would start to move to the pelican before a spartan steps out of the pelican, she would immediately realize she has not meet this spartan.

    I must ask this one question. Where were you in the old days of database when it was on B.net? Only one chapter in and I must say it looks awesome. Seriously, this story is worthy of recognition alongside the legendary stories of the original Halo Database. Can someone also explain to me why I quote the whole thing? In th old days I didit when pointing out something great about a post. Habit maybe?
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    Miss valintine

    Posts : 6
    Join date : 2015-02-15

    Re: Alasha's beginning

    Post  Miss valintine on February 25th 2015, 12:59 am

    Why thank you, I think that is a big complement and Idk
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    Bad John
    Freelancer Operative

    Posts : 1205
    Join date : 2013-01-17
    Location : A box in the United States.

    Re: Alasha's beginning

    Post  Bad John on February 25th 2015, 1:20 pm

    Not a bad start!

    There were a few weird syntax things, if you want my advice. Most of the actions are led by "(s)he would." I've honestly never seen conditional tense used in a story, and it's a bit jarring, but it's pretty unique. I don't really have a problem with it, but it was certainly something of note.

    Other than that, I'm in agreement with Panther. Pretty good story. I can't wait to see it evolve and move forward! Congrats on your first fic here.
    avatar
    Manny
    Freelancer Operative

    Posts : 1348
    Join date : 2013-01-17
    Age : 22
    Location : The Great White North (Canada)

    Re: Alasha's beginning

    Post  Manny on February 25th 2015, 1:23 pm

    Interested to see where this goes, but there's one thing that needs addressing.

    The usage of the word "would" implies a conditional tense. Basically, it implies these events have NOT taken place but CAN take place, assuming some other condition is met.

    For example, "Alasha would have done better if she had not been stabbed from behind". The condition is that she had never been stabbed from behind, and the events that may have occurred from that is an improvement in her score.

    Or, perhaps a more common situation will help.

    "I would ask that girl out, if I had the courage".

    The condition that has to be met is the right amount of courage, and only then will the event of asking the girl out happen.

    So instead of using the conditional tense, by using the word "would", I suggest using the past or even present tense. Unless this is some sort of literacy style I've never seen (which could be very likely).

    ...I see John has commented on the same issue. I typed this as he posted I guess. I'll leave it there, so you can see the examples but please don't think I'm nagging you Smile

    zman007playr
    ONI Operative

    Posts : 137
    Join date : 2013-01-17
    Age : 22
    Location : Blacksburg, Virginia

    Re: Alasha's beginning

    Post  zman007playr on February 25th 2015, 5:52 pm

    What an interesting start, to say the least. The only advice I could give is what Manny and John have said before, so I wont bother echoing it again Razz But not a bad start for your first fic here, I'm highly interested in reading more.

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