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Most users ever online was 29 on October 1st 2013, 12:09 am


    Masons Tragic Past

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    dragon of darkness

    Posts : 279
    Join date : 2013-02-24
    Age : 19
    Location : classified

    Masons Tragic Past

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 19th 2013, 11:12 pm

    The streets where dark with a single light street lamp and smelled of oil, the only sound was the highway over head and the rain against sheet metal. 

    "there you are mason" a girl said
     
    She was always worried about me. Her hair was long and was as black as the night, her eyes were hazel and she wore a blue shirt with jeans we are friends since we were babies. 

    "I told you sofia I like taking walks." I said, turning to her 

    "I don't like it when you do it without telling me" she said, as she sat down with me. 

    "sorry, but the open air helps me clear my mind" I said as I inhaled the night air

    "it's creepy out here" Sofia said shivering

    "it's calming but the rain makes it sad" I said looking down the street as a car turned the corner  

    The car stopped abruptly in front of the bench and three guys stepped out each with beer in their hands and the smell of smoke hanging off their cloths. 

    "don't you know it's nit smart to stay out after dark" the one who smelled like rotten fish

    "hasn't anyone told you it's smart to take showers with water and not fish guts" I said standing up

    "mason don't"Sofia asked gently

    "hey boys looks like the girl is the boss" 

    "shut up she isn't" I said throwing a punch bit was met with one in the gut 

    "now listen here you try that again and you get cut"

    "mason" Sofia shrieked as one of the thugs held her

    "stop" I choked trying to get up

    "or what your going to do whine" one said making Sofia look at him 

    The wind around me started to speed up throwing dust around "leave her alone" I yelled and the thugs where blasted away and they all landed gasping for air

    "mason h-how..." Sofia trailed of watching them suffocate 

    The thugs stopped moving their bodies as lifeless as the air they use to breath "let's get out of here" I said pulling Sofia away and started to head home

    "mason stop" Sofia said shakily 

    "why" I snapped

    "what you did back there wasn't human" 

    "I know it's been happening for a while" 

    "A while mason I'm worried" 

    "I don't want you to be" I said putting my hand on her shoulder

    "don't touch me" Sofia said pushing me sway

    "Sofia" I said a little hurt

    "you don't talk to me anymore you killed them"

    "they were going to hurt you"

    "you didn't have to kill them" she said darting off leaving me alone in the darkness 

    "Sofia I'm sorry" I said forcing back tears 

    The darkness wasn't welcoming anymore just painful and lonely.
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    Manny
    Freelancer Operative

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    Join date : 2013-01-17
    Age : 22
    Location : The Great White North (Canada)

    Re: Masons Tragic Past

    Post  Manny on November 20th 2013, 12:19 am

    Not too bad, but there a few things to work on.

    1) Grammar. Pretty self explanatory, some examples include: starting sentences with capital letters, capitalizing names, and the occasional absence of proper punctuation happens. Microsoft Word would eliminate all these without you even having to try and spot them.

    2) Maybe be a bit more descriptive. The setting is alright, but I'm referring to things like facial expressions. For example, when Sofia questions Mason on how long he's known about his powers... perhaps you could write in the fear on her face. Or when she finds Mason, perhaps you could say "'There you are Mason,' a girl said, sighing". Small little things like that go a long way (I find).

    It's not too bad, but it needs polishing to make it shine.
    avatar
    dragon of darkness

    Posts : 279
    Join date : 2013-02-24
    Age : 19
    Location : classified

    Re: Masons Tragic Past

    Post  dragon of darkness on November 20th 2013, 2:06 am

    Manny wrote:Not too bad, but there a few things to work on.

    1) Grammar. Pretty self explanatory, some examples include: starting sentences with capital letters, capitalizing names, and the occasional absence of proper punctuation happens. Microsoft Word would eliminate all these without you even having to try and spot them.

    2) Maybe be a bit more descriptive. The setting is alright, but I'm referring to things like facial expressions. For example, when Sofia questions Mason on how long he's known about his powers... perhaps you could write in the fear on her face. Or when she finds Mason, perhaps you could say "'There you are Mason,' a girl said, sighing". Small little things like that go a long way (I find).

    It's not too bad, but it needs polishing to make it shine.
    I know but my computers won't work and my iPod is the only thing I have witch I have been using for a while
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    Manny
    Freelancer Operative

    Posts : 1348
    Join date : 2013-01-17
    Age : 22
    Location : The Great White North (Canada)

    Re: Masons Tragic Past

    Post  Manny on November 27th 2013, 12:22 am

    dragon of darkness wrote:
    Manny wrote:Not too bad, but there a few things to work on.

    1) Grammar. Pretty self explanatory, some examples include: starting sentences with capital letters, capitalizing names, and the occasional absence of proper punctuation happens. Microsoft Word would eliminate all these without you even having to try and spot them.

    2) Maybe be a bit more descriptive. The setting is alright, but I'm referring to things like facial expressions. For example, when Sofia questions Mason on how long he's known about his powers... perhaps you could write in the fear on her face. Or when she finds Mason, perhaps you could say "'There you are Mason,' a girl said, sighing". Small little things like that go a long way (I find).

    It's not too bad, but it needs polishing to make it shine.
    I know but my computers won't work and my iPod is the only thing I have witch I have been using for a while
    I thought iPods had basic spellcheck.

    Anyways, I understand how tough it can be typing on the IOS system. Typing stuff on my iPhone is a pain in the ass as well. Until then, just be careful I suppose. Not much else I can say in that department.

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    Re: Masons Tragic Past

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